Anger in Marriage

Continuing from yesterday's post, young men should be aware of how anger may play out in their marrriages. This is an exhortation from someone who learned this late in life.

In biblical marriages, the relationship between husband and wife is characterized as one of headship and submission. Ephesians 5:20ff describes this relationship in which the wife is to respect and submit to her husband's headship while the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church.

In the context of Paul's instruction, it can be tempting for husbands to demand respect. And, reflecting on yesterday's post, many husbands become angry at their wives when they do not honor them. I don't believe demanding respect is biblical.

It is right for a husband to exhort his wife to be respectful, but not for his sake or glory, but for her sake. A wife who does not honor her husband is, first and foremost, disobeying the Lord; her sin - like all sins - is against God. Remember David's words to God in Psalm 51: "Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight."

Any time fellow brothers or sisters in Christ is in sin, it is our responsibility to correct and exhort them, so that they will repent and flee from sin (Hebrews 3:13). One of the ways that a husband can determine if he correcting his wife for his own benefit not hers is by his reaction: Am I reacting in anger? As mentioned yesterday, Christ never became angry when he was personally attacked or offended. A husband - a symbol of Christ in marriage - must react in the same way. If he reacts in anger to his wife's sin, he is guilty before God as well.

When Should We Get Angry?

Anger is in all of this. Anger is fundamentally our reaction when we don't get what we want or we don't realize the results we expect.

In an earlier post I wrote about making a choice between being right or righteous. This is often a choice we should make in moments of impending anger. We almost always think we have the right to be angry, but, in my experience, we don't.

Ed Welch has written a devotional, Small Book about a Big Problem: Meditations on Anger, Patience, and Peace. In this excerpt from the book, he provides tremendous insights into the nature of anger.

If you want to know God, know Jesus (Heb 1:1–3). He is the most comprehensive picture that God gives of himself, and he did get angry. He was angry with leaders who were more interested in protocol than they were in a man being healed (Mark 3:5). He was angry when people were using the temple as a way to make a profit, thereby disrupting worship and showing disdain for his Father’s house (John 2:13–17). He was indignant when his disciples kept children away from his blessing (Mark 10:14). When other people’s welfare was at stake, Jesus was angry. Here is how he is unlike us: He was never angry when he was personally violated. People tested him, accused him of being from the Devil, betrayed him, denied him, brought false charges against him, spit on him, sought to heap shame on him, and nailed him to a murderer’s cross. He never got angry because his personal desires were violated. Ever. Instead, the Judge of the world gave his right to judge over to his Father. (Day 15) (my emphasis)

He continues: "Angry people are confident in their rightness, and confident people have little reason to listen. But, in my experience, if they ever listen, they listen at this point. Jesus, THE human, was never angry when he was sinned against. It’s unexpected to learn this and helps the angry person to begin to see anger rightly."

Meditate on this. How often do we become angry when we perceive an offense, a lack of respect, etc.? Jesus never did. More on this in future posts.