Cherishing Your One and Only

This chapter in Everyman's Battle focuses on husbands properly loving their wives to protect themselves from temptation. For protection, a husband must be "consumed with God's purpose to cherish your wife." The authors state:

If Christians were consumed by God's purposes, it would first be reflected in our marriages. But the rates of divorce, adultery, and marital dissatisfactions in the Christian church reveal our hearts. We've known very few men consumed by their marriages, and fewer still consumed by purity, but both are God's desire for you. God's purpose for your marriage is that it parallels Christ's relationship to His church, that you be one with your wife.

This is critical. Marriage is certainly for the purposes of having children and sexual satisfaction, but the primary purpose is to reflect the relationship of Christ with his church. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and the wife is to lovingly submit to her husband as the church is to submit to Christ. A Christian marriage is supposed to be living expression of the gospel; a witness to the world. Remember this.

The chapter summary is quite good; I will quote it in its entirety here:

God entrusted your wife to you, and she placed herself in trust to you. How can we entrust such a valuable gift to some concept of cherishing based alone on wispy feelings? Christians like to say, "Love is not a feeling, it's a commitment." Well, this is the time to heed those words. We owe that love, despite our feelings.

In our society, we have "sensitivity training" and "cross-cultural enrichment" classes. We believe if we can only teach people the "right" feelings, they'll act correctly. In the Bible, however, God tells us the opposite: We're to first act correctly, and then right feelings will follow.

If you don't feel like cherishing, cherish anyway. Your right feelings will arrive soon enough.

Remember, the Bible says that God loved us while we were yet sinners. Clearly, loving the unlovely is a foundation of God's character, and cherishing the unlovely is its bedrock. Since Christ died for the church - the unlovely - and since our marriages should parallel Christ's relationship to the church, we have no excuse when we don't cherish our wives. God loved us before we were worthy; we can do nothing less for our wives.

Inside Your Corral

In chapter 18 of Everyman's Battle, the focus is on dealing with women who are in your social circle or "corral"; particularly, old girlfriends and ex-wives, and wives of friends. The authors warn: "...not every woman in these categories will be attractive to you. But if one of these women catchers your fancy or has retained a piece of your heart, something must be done. Each category has unique dangers, and each demands unique defenses...." This is a good chapter and touches on something that every man should take seriously.

Sometimes when things are not going well on the home front, men can dream about the good old days, particularly, idealized old flames: "If only I still had her in my life, things would be great." Of course, men don't remember the bad times with those women and, more importantly, they forget that they are married and have given up their rights to think about old flames. Basically, some men seek refuge in those relationships instead of dealing with the realities of a real relationship and turning to their only legitimate refuge, their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Remember, we get into the most trouble when we love something or someone more than God, when we seek refuge in something other than God, and when we desire something more than God.

Additional trouble can come from relationships with friend's wives. The authors ask, "Have you ever had an attraction to a friend's wife?" To protect yourself and her, follow these guidelines:

1. Limit all conversations between you and your friend's spouse unless your wife or your friend is with you. Keep things light and short.
2. If you phone your friend and he isn't home, get off the line with his wife promptly. Don't be rude, but don't plan on talking more than briefly to her.
3. If you stop by your friend's house and he isn't home, she may invite you in. What do you do then? Politely decline to enter. What possible purpose is served by staying?
4. Capture any attractions toward your friend's wife and nuke them totally. Return to the rules of starving the eyes and taking such thoughts captive. Never, ever tell yourself, " Oh, I can handle it - no problem."

Of course, these are only guidelines; you have to be wise and use discernment in your relationships. The point is, don't let yourself get between your friend and his wife, or let her get between you and your wife. Arterburn and Stoeker advise, "Protect your friend's hopes and dreams as diligently as you're own hopes and dreams" for love and marriage.

Great advice. In the next couple of posts we'll wrap up this series covering the last part of the book, "Victory in Your Heart."

Proverbs 10:9

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,
but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.

Approaching Your Corral

The authors of Everyman's Battle make use of a lot of metaphors in their book. Some of them work; others not so much. In this chapter (and the previous) they put together a metaphor with mustangs, horses, corrals, and fences. I won't bother describing it. If it works for you...great.

In this chapter, they describe two types of women "who will approach your corral": (1) women you find attractive, and (2) women who find you attractive. To my benefit, I never had to worry about the latter, but some of you may not be that lucky!

How can you protect yourself against women you find attractive but who you should stay away from?
1. Bounce your eyes: We know what that is.
2. Avoid her: Sometimes this isn't possible, but do it when you can. Don't go out to lunch together or offer her a ride home. Avoid opportunities that create positive experiences with her until the attraction phase dies.
3. When you're in her company, play the dweeb: Don't try to act cool - act the opposite. A dweeb is the opposite of a player.

What do you do when someone finds you attractive? How do you starve these attractions?
1. Spend absolutely no time alone with this woman, even in public places.
2. Flee from her: Don't smile knowingly at her. Don't join her prayer group. Don't join her worship team. Don't be anywhere that she can be further impressed with you.
3. Prepare for situations: Think about what you will say to her when she asks you to lunch or calls you. Prepare for what you will say and do in different situations. Don't get caught off guard.

Tomorrow: More corral stuff.

John 12:25-26

Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.

Your Mustang Mind

The 14th chapter of Everyman's Battle warns men to set up defenses for their minds: you can protect your eyes, but your mind can dream up all kinds of images to tempt you. They also warn against putting yourself in compromising situations. Don't think you can handle the temptation especially when getting close to a woman you are attracted to and thinking nothing will happen.

This story communicates the tragedy that can result from hubris and carelessness. Jack was involved in full-time Christian ministry, standing strong. He had no mental defense perimeter, however, because he blissfully thought he didn't need one. As a result he allowed Mary to come too close....

"Mary attended my church and was involved in the music ministry," Jack told us. "Because of my skills and position in the church, I was involved in many activities with her. We were in a small worship band, and during practices I noticed she began smiling in that certain way. She was pretty, and I was attracted, but I didn't give it much thought until she kept smiling at me. I got to thinking about it. The attractions were growing, and I felt a little excited and please with myself.

"One day, she stopped by my office and caught me alone. She began pouring out her troubles with her husband. As a minister, I often did counseling, so I felt I should listen. She started crying, and I put my arms around her, feeling sorry for her. She snuggled in a little, and I kind of liked it. She left, and nothing came of it, but now I was thinking about her constantly.

"Mary and I happened to take the same road to work, and I noticed she would be watching for me each morning, waving and smiling. At practice, she was more and more flattering of my musical talents. She looked at me with those eyes even when I preached, smiling slightly, though sitting right next to her husband. It was kind of naughty and thrilling.

"I began doing the strangest things, like driving miles out of my way to her office, just to see her car. What in the world did I gain by seeing her car, for Pete's sake? But it was romantic somehow. Finally, a few weeks later we were alone, and I kissed her. I knew that kiss would end my career at my church, but I couldn't help myself. The attraction had grown too strong."

Jack's career, marriage, and relationships with his children were severely damaged that afternoon. He said it could never happen, but it did happen because Jack lacked a defense perimeter.

When you have any hint something is going too far...any hint...run.

Proverbs 7:21-23

When faced with sexual temptation don't be swept away like the foolish young man in Proverbs 7:

With much seductive speech she persuades him;
with her smooth talk she compels him.
All at once he follows her,
as an ox goes to the slaughter,
or as a stag is caught fast
till an arrow pierces its liver;
as a bird rushes into a snare;
he does not know that it will cost him his life.