Cherishing Your One and Only

This chapter in Everyman's Battle focuses on husbands properly loving their wives to protect themselves from temptation. For protection, a husband must be "consumed with God's purpose to cherish your wife." The authors state:

If Christians were consumed by God's purposes, it would first be reflected in our marriages. But the rates of divorce, adultery, and marital dissatisfactions in the Christian church reveal our hearts. We've known very few men consumed by their marriages, and fewer still consumed by purity, but both are God's desire for you. God's purpose for your marriage is that it parallels Christ's relationship to His church, that you be one with your wife.

This is critical. Marriage is certainly for the purposes of having children and sexual satisfaction, but the primary purpose is to reflect the relationship of Christ with his church. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and the wife is to lovingly submit to her husband as the church is to submit to Christ. A Christian marriage is supposed to be living expression of the gospel; a witness to the world. Remember this.

The chapter summary is quite good; I will quote it in its entirety here:

God entrusted your wife to you, and she placed herself in trust to you. How can we entrust such a valuable gift to some concept of cherishing based alone on wispy feelings? Christians like to say, "Love is not a feeling, it's a commitment." Well, this is the time to heed those words. We owe that love, despite our feelings.

In our society, we have "sensitivity training" and "cross-cultural enrichment" classes. We believe if we can only teach people the "right" feelings, they'll act correctly. In the Bible, however, God tells us the opposite: We're to first act correctly, and then right feelings will follow.

If you don't feel like cherishing, cherish anyway. Your right feelings will arrive soon enough.

Remember, the Bible says that God loved us while we were yet sinners. Clearly, loving the unlovely is a foundation of God's character, and cherishing the unlovely is its bedrock. Since Christ died for the church - the unlovely - and since our marriages should parallel Christ's relationship to the church, we have no excuse when we don't cherish our wives. God loved us before we were worthy; we can do nothing less for our wives.

Inside Your Corral

In chapter 18 of Everyman's Battle, the focus is on dealing with women who are in your social circle or "corral"; particularly, old girlfriends and ex-wives, and wives of friends. The authors warn: "...not every woman in these categories will be attractive to you. But if one of these women catchers your fancy or has retained a piece of your heart, something must be done. Each category has unique dangers, and each demands unique defenses...." This is a good chapter and touches on something that every man should take seriously.

Sometimes when things are not going well on the home front, men can dream about the good old days, particularly, idealized old flames: "If only I still had her in my life, things would be great." Of course, men don't remember the bad times with those women and, more importantly, they forget that they are married and have given up their rights to think about old flames. Basically, some men seek refuge in those relationships instead of dealing with the realities of a real relationship and turning to their only legitimate refuge, their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Remember, we get into the most trouble when we love something or someone more than God, when we seek refuge in something other than God, and when we desire something more than God.

Additional trouble can come from relationships with friend's wives. The authors ask, "Have you ever had an attraction to a friend's wife?" To protect yourself and her, follow these guidelines:

1. Limit all conversations between you and your friend's spouse unless your wife or your friend is with you. Keep things light and short.
2. If you phone your friend and he isn't home, get off the line with his wife promptly. Don't be rude, but don't plan on talking more than briefly to her.
3. If you stop by your friend's house and he isn't home, she may invite you in. What do you do then? Politely decline to enter. What possible purpose is served by staying?
4. Capture any attractions toward your friend's wife and nuke them totally. Return to the rules of starving the eyes and taking such thoughts captive. Never, ever tell yourself, " Oh, I can handle it - no problem."

Of course, these are only guidelines; you have to be wise and use discernment in your relationships. The point is, don't let yourself get between your friend and his wife, or let her get between you and your wife. Arterburn and Stoeker advise, "Protect your friend's hopes and dreams as diligently as you're own hopes and dreams" for love and marriage.

Great advice. In the next couple of posts we'll wrap up this series covering the last part of the book, "Victory in Your Heart."

Proverbs 10:9

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,
but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.

Approaching Your Corral

The authors of Everyman's Battle make use of a lot of metaphors in their book. Some of them work; others not so much. In this chapter (and the previous) they put together a metaphor with mustangs, horses, corrals, and fences. I won't bother describing it. If it works for you...great.

In this chapter, they describe two types of women "who will approach your corral": (1) women you find attractive, and (2) women who find you attractive. To my benefit, I never had to worry about the latter, but some of you may not be that lucky!

How can you protect yourself against women you find attractive but who you should stay away from?
1. Bounce your eyes: We know what that is.
2. Avoid her: Sometimes this isn't possible, but do it when you can. Don't go out to lunch together or offer her a ride home. Avoid opportunities that create positive experiences with her until the attraction phase dies.
3. When you're in her company, play the dweeb: Don't try to act cool - act the opposite. A dweeb is the opposite of a player.

What do you do when someone finds you attractive? How do you starve these attractions?
1. Spend absolutely no time alone with this woman, even in public places.
2. Flee from her: Don't smile knowingly at her. Don't join her prayer group. Don't join her worship team. Don't be anywhere that she can be further impressed with you.
3. Prepare for situations: Think about what you will say to her when she asks you to lunch or calls you. Prepare for what you will say and do in different situations. Don't get caught off guard.

Tomorrow: More corral stuff.

John 12:25-26

Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.

Your Mustang Mind

The 14th chapter of Everyman's Battle warns men to set up defenses for their minds: you can protect your eyes, but your mind can dream up all kinds of images to tempt you. They also warn against putting yourself in compromising situations. Don't think you can handle the temptation especially when getting close to a woman you are attracted to and thinking nothing will happen.

This story communicates the tragedy that can result from hubris and carelessness. Jack was involved in full-time Christian ministry, standing strong. He had no mental defense perimeter, however, because he blissfully thought he didn't need one. As a result he allowed Mary to come too close....

"Mary attended my church and was involved in the music ministry," Jack told us. "Because of my skills and position in the church, I was involved in many activities with her. We were in a small worship band, and during practices I noticed she began smiling in that certain way. She was pretty, and I was attracted, but I didn't give it much thought until she kept smiling at me. I got to thinking about it. The attractions were growing, and I felt a little excited and please with myself.

"One day, she stopped by my office and caught me alone. She began pouring out her troubles with her husband. As a minister, I often did counseling, so I felt I should listen. She started crying, and I put my arms around her, feeling sorry for her. She snuggled in a little, and I kind of liked it. She left, and nothing came of it, but now I was thinking about her constantly.

"Mary and I happened to take the same road to work, and I noticed she would be watching for me each morning, waving and smiling. At practice, she was more and more flattering of my musical talents. She looked at me with those eyes even when I preached, smiling slightly, though sitting right next to her husband. It was kind of naughty and thrilling.

"I began doing the strangest things, like driving miles out of my way to her office, just to see her car. What in the world did I gain by seeing her car, for Pete's sake? But it was romantic somehow. Finally, a few weeks later we were alone, and I kissed her. I knew that kiss would end my career at my church, but I couldn't help myself. The attraction had grown too strong."

Jack's career, marriage, and relationships with his children were severely damaged that afternoon. He said it could never happen, but it did happen because Jack lacked a defense perimeter.

When you have any hint something is going too far...any hint...run.

Proverbs 7:21-23

When faced with sexual temptation don't be swept away like the foolish young man in Proverbs 7:

With much seductive speech she persuades him;
with her smooth talk she compels him.
All at once he follows her,
as an ox goes to the slaughter,
or as a stag is caught fast
till an arrow pierces its liver;
as a bird rushes into a snare;
he does not know that it will cost him his life.

Your Sword and Shield

The "sword" and "shield" referenced in chapter 13 of Everyman's Battle are two Bible verses. Memorizing these verses should help when your flesh and Satan are trying to convince you that "bouncing your eyes" and "starving your eyes" are a waste of time or - worse yet - infringe on your freedom. The authors recommend two verses:

"I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman." Job 31:1

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." - 1 Cor. 6:18-20

In reference to the 1 Corinthians verse, the authors provide their interpretation: "We've distilled this shield-verse to its core kernel, and repeated it in the face of many tempting situations when facing sensual images or thoughts: You have no right to look at that or think about it. You haven't the authority.

I think this is a good principle. Daydreaming about what you want to do with a woman who is not your wife? You don't have the authority to do that. Staring at a woman's cleavage? You don't have the right to do that. Scanning the web for pornography? Your eyes are not your own - you are not authorized to do that.

Arterburn and Stoeker sum up the chapter this way: "Shield yourself from the power of temptation by submitting to God's definition of your rights."

Starving the Eyes

This chapter in Everyman's Battle is primarily for married men. Of course, "starving your eyes" of sexual images and temptations is important for single men, too. For married men, the authors advise married men to starve their eyes and direct sexual desires to their only legitimate source of gratification - their wives. The authors spend a couple of pages creating a food metaphor for sexual gratification. It's a bit odd. Read it and make your own decision as to how helpful it is.

There's a great story from a guy named Randy as he describes how he invigorates his desire for his wife and a better marriage. It's too long to recount here, but I think guys who have been married for awhile and who have learned to love their wives as they are, will appreciate its truthfulness and honesty.

The authors argue that as husbands "starve their eyes" there will be "payoff" at home:

You can count on a sexual payoff from obedience. Whether your wife is wide or narrow or lumpy or smooth, when you focus your full attention on [her], she'll become ever more beautiful to you. Her weak points will become sexy because they're yours and yours alone. They're all you have, and you can cherish them and let them fulfill you...If you limit your eyes to your wife only, your own tastes will adapt to what you're viewing. Your wife's strengths and weaknesses will become your tastes. Eventually, she'll be beyond comparison in your eyes.

I think Arterburn and Stoeker get this right for the most part. The journey to "beyond comparison" isn't linear and often it includes taking one step forward and two steps back, but if you allow God to work in your heart, your eyes will appreciate your wife more and more. For single guys, start "starving our eyes" now, so that you can appreciate your future wife from the start and never lose your appreciation for her.

Bouncing the Eyes

In Chapter 11, the authors of Everyman's Battle expand on the "bouncing the eyes" strategy for achieving sexual purity. Arterburn and Stoeker describe "bouncing the eyes": "The problem is that your eyes have always bounced toward the sexual, and you've made no attempt to end this habit. To combat it, you need to build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from a hot stove." Our main problem is that we "linger": we keep our eyes where they shouldn't be for longer than they should. That helps us to remember later and that gets us in trouble. It's like - in the old days - keeping the camera shutter open long enough to embed the image on the film. Once the image is on the film, it's there forever.

The authors admit that "bouncing" isn't easy, but offer some guidance:

When you start bouncing your eyes, your body will fight against you in peculiar, unexpected ways. Sexual sin has an addictive nature, and your body will not want to give up on its pleasures. You'll have to creatively respond in your quest for purity, and you do that through these two logical steps:
   1. Study yourself. How and where are you attacked most?
   2. Define your defense for each of the greatest enemies you've identified.

Your first step is listing your own "greatest enemies." What are the most obvious and prolific sources of sensual images....Where do you look most often? Where are you weakest?

Defining your defense is important. We must always rely on the Word of God and the Holy Spirit. That's first. But we can do other things to help fight the battle. As the authors mention, identify your "attackers." Are they lingerie ads, females at the office, movies, pornography? Figure this out. Once you figure this out, define your defense. Use web filters, remove browsers from your devices, switch to a flip phone. Avert you eyes when a woman bends over. If bikinis are an issue, stare at the sand or don't go to the beach. Remember how important the state of your soul is: "And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell..." (Mark 9:47).

Your Battle Plan

In chapter 10 of Everyman's Battle, Arterburn and Stoeker describe the next steps in the sexual purity battle: developing good habits. They argue that bad habits got you into this mess and, therefore, good habits can get you out. Looking at girls walking by, watching pornography, and dreaming up sensual things in our imaginations feed sexual impurity. We can build perimeters of defense around our eyes, mind, and heart through good habits. We can protect our eyes by "bouncing" them off of lustful objects instead of lingering on them; for example, if you are walking behind an attractive woman, don't stare at her butt, look to the side or look to the ceiling or - these days - look at your phone (at a football schedule or something, not a Victoria's Secret catalog). By "bouncing" your eyes, you will reduce the images in your head that you might fixate on later. With your mind, "take capture every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Evaluate your thoughts, repent when necessary, and think about something good. "Lingering" is often the greatest problem: the sensual thought comes into your mind and you think about it - really think about it - and then the thought captures you instead of the thought being captured by Christ.

Sexual impurity is a habit - a bad one - and doing the things mentioned above are critical to help a man change his behavior. The authors seem to imply that this is a simple process: change your habits, solve your problem. But as we have discussed in the blog many times, the heart is the key. We can divert bad thoughts and we can divert our eyes, but the heart is deceitful and will always pursue what it wants. Foundationally, the battle of sexual impurity takes place in the heart and that is not a battleground where we can win on our own. A heart change comes through our repentance, and forgiveness and grace from Jesus Christ. We have to acknowledge that this is not a battle we can win: we have to surrender our lives in every area to the Lord and He will change us. This surrender is harder than breaking habits. You have to admit that you are dependent on someone else for holy living. Your pride will fight back - hard. But as one of His - as one who He chose to love and save - you will not be forsaken. He will not let you go.

I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:9-10

Thoughts on Laziness

In an article, The Laziness Trap, author Andy Farmer, explores laziness. But not in the typical way of thinking about it. It's not about inactivity, but an unwillingness to engage with problems, especially struggles within ourselves; an unwillingness to persevere and an apathy towards others: a moral laziness. Farmer writes:

The first time I was aware of my laziness, I was reading about the tree sloth (itself a revealing window into my endless distractibility). I discovered that what the tree sloth does best is sleep. I love to sleep; in fact, it may be what I do best. I can sleep almost anywhere, any time. I once experimented to see how comfortable I could make myself in the dentist’s chair. The next thing I knew, I had fallen asleep to the grinding sound of a drill in my mouth! Anyway,back to the sloth. The only time he stirs is when the craving for food becomes stronger than the craving for sleep. Me too! If left alone, sloths are not unpleasant. That’s me. They have a good sense of smell but they don’t hear well. Verified by my wife. The sloth’s main defense against predators is its almost constant inactivity. In the wild they are often mistaken for a big pile of dead leaves. Inadvertently I had discovered the answer to the party question, “If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?”

I’ve also discovered some reasons why the human sloth fails to register on the dysfunction meter. For one, lazy people rarely instigate conflict. You won’t see us rant, verbally attack, or make outrageous demands. Conflict is just something else to avoid. I’d rather let you win an argument than put in the effort to win it myself.

In addition, lazy people are almost by definition dull to their problems. We are habitual escape artists. Find a lazy person and you’ll find someone with a highly developed skill (and appetite) for leisure and diversion. The ability to divert stress into distraction can be handy in some ways. For example, I don’t worry a whole lot and I don’t tend to carry grudges—too much work. But I can be very dull to the needs of others. The trap of laziness lulls me into assuming that everything around me is okay, or at least it will be if I avoid it long enough. You can’t be lazy without being inherently selfish.

Something to think about.

Tomorrow, I'll continue with Everyman's Battle.

John 14:16

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

Regaining What Was Lost

This chapter in Everyman's Battle is about redeeming the lost time. I didn't take any excerpts or quotes from the chapter, but I found something that captures the chapter's theme in a more - let's say - eloquent way.

Below is an excerpt from an article by David Powlison entitled, How Does Sanctification Work? Put another way, how do we turn from our sexual sins and turn towards God.

God’s will is your sanctification.

That’s how Paul summarized matters for the Thessalonian church (1 Thess 4:3a). And handling frayed relationships is not the only area where God’s will for us is clear. As Paul continued in this letter, he specifically identified God’s gracious will for us regarding sexual purity in the midst of an immoral world (4:3b–7). When it comes to the object of your sexual desires and who you sleep with, questions of right or wrong are always on the table. Here’s another example. Our loving Father pointedly wills that we learn to live with no complaining about the present, no regrets about the past, and no worrying about the future. This is a high, hard calling! We fail. But our failures, honestly acknowledged, open a wide door into mercies new every morning. And Christ freely commits to teaching us the secret of contentment amid a world filled with stressors. Most of us are in the remedial class, but any progress in the direction of such significant wisdom is worth more than silver, gold, and jewels. “Nothing you desire can compare,” as Proverbs 3:14–15 puts it.

God wills to cure us of all the wrongs we have been discussing: immoralities, hostilities, complaints, regrets, anxieties and a hundred other ugly things. Christ is forgiving, and Christ is working to make your life beautiful. When you see him face to face, you will be like the Savior we have trusted.

Sanctification is Christ working to make your life beautiful. Think about this beautiful life when you are tempted to do something ugly in yours.

The Time to Decide

As the chapter title indicates, the main focus is on making a decision to step away from sin. The metaphor the authors use in this book, obviously, is that of a battle: as men, we have to be willing to fight against sexual impurity as if we are engaged in a battle to the death. We have to take the enemy of sin seriously or we'll never win:

Three years ago I counseled Ben, who said he wanted sexual integrity, but his words were just words. "I'm still buying the Playboys," he said recently. "I guess I just don't hate them enough."

For the authors, if you don't hate your sin enough or see your behavior as being that sinful, you'll never get victory over it:

We've known those who have failed in their battle for sexual purity, and we know some who have won. The difference? Those who won hated their impurity. They were doing to war and were going to win - or die trying. Every resource was leveled upon the foe.

I agree with Arterburn and Stoeker that making a commitment to sexual purity is critical. My only caution - and this may be an outworking of their Arminian theology - is that making a decision in a moment of time does not guarantee success. Any righteous decision is ultimately an acknowledgement of the conviction that the Holy Spirit has laid on your heart. To place trust in the decision itself - as if your will can provide the power to overcome your sinful behavior - is misdirected. Just as making a decision to be saved does not save you, making a decision to be sexual pure will not free you. Your commitment matters and is your responsibility, but remember that the power for change comes from the Lord. I hope my Reformed friends understand this difference.

We already have the power within us through the Holy Spirit to gain victory, but as it took time to fall into bad habits, it will take time to reverse these habits towards holiness and maturity. I appreciate that later on, Arterburn and Stoeker reference a very important passage in the battle against sin:

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. (2 Pet. 1:3-4)

Choosing True Manhood

In chapter 7, the authors introduce the concept, "making a covenant with you eyes." Essentially, this is a promise with your eyes not to look upon women, images or anything else that will lead you to sexual temptation. The authors have a process for establishing this covenant (which they will share later in the book), but basically it is (1) making a clear decision, and (2) deciding once and for all to make a change: "...I'd finally and truly engaged the battle. Through my covenant with my eyes, all my mental and spiritual resources were now leveled upon a single target: my impurity." We'll see where they go with this idea.

For now, I want to share another notion with you: looking at women in dishonor. The authors respond to those who may take this lightly:

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself, one might say. It's natural for a male to look. That's part of our nature. But what you're doing is stealing. The impure thought life is the life of a thief. You're stealing images that aren't yours. When you had premarital sex, you touched someone who didn't belong to you. When you looked down the blouse of a woman who isn't your wife, you were stealing something that isn't yours to take. It's just like walking down Main Street behind someone who drops a one-hundred-dollar bill out of his pocket, and you pick it up. That money isn't yours - even if he didn't know he lost it. If you choose to keep the money instead of saying, "Hey, Mister," then you've taken something you're not entitle to.

Similarly, if a woman's blouse falls open, you can't say, "Hey, that's in my sight line, I get to have that." No, you have to look away. Otherwise you're a thief. You need to leave that valuable creation in the hands of God and her husband or her future husband.

I think they make a valid, biblical point. Think about it.

Just by Being Male

In this chapter of Everyman's Battle, the authors talk about the male sex drive and why we are the way we are. There are obvious differences between men and women when it comes to sexual drive: I think we all get that. While God gave us this strong desire, it obviously can lead us into temptation especially when we make sex the most important thing in our lives. Combine this with our fallen natures and we could live lives punctuated by perfect storms of lust and temptation. The authors cover all of this in detail.

I just wanted to focus for a moment on the flip side; that is, what it means to tame our desires and live the "straight" life. It is not easy and I would guess that women have no idea what it takes for a man to ignore all of the impulses and live a "domestic" life. (Although I know that they have their own challenges for sure.) Arterburn and Stoeker offer a quote from James Dobson that captures the straight life:

The straight life for a working man...is pulling your tired frame out of bed, five days a week, fifty weeks out of the year. It is earning a two-week vacation in August, and choosing a trip that will please the kids. The straight life is spending your money wisely when you'd rather indulge in a new whatever; it is taking your son bike riding on Saturday when you want so badly to watch the baseball game; it is cleaning out the garage on your day off after working sixty hours the prior week. The straight life is coping with head colds and engine tune-ups and crab grass and income-tax forms; it is taking your family to church on Sunday when you've heard every idea the minister has to offer; it is giving a portion of your income to God's work when you already wonder how ends will meet.

This life - compared to a life of fulfilling personal desires - is the difference between manhood and maleness. Manhood is sacrificing for your wife and family as Christ did for the church.

Maleness is about you. Manhood is about others.

Sexual integrity begins when maleness gives way to manhood.

Obedience or Mere Excellence?

In this chapter, Arterburn and Stoeker draw a distinction between obedience or perfection and excellence. To them, "excellence is a mixed standard, while obedience is a fixed standard. We want to shoot for the fixed standard." Excellence is a compromise between perfection and something less. I think they want to communicate that excellence is a human standard, while perfection obtained through obedience is God's standard. Ok...but I really don't get it. Read the chapter for yourself and maybe you will find it helpful.

I think compromise is the issue: if not consciously, then subconsciously, we tend to ask of ourselves, "How far can I go and still be called a Christian?" The authors suggest that we should be asking, "How holy can I be?" I agree. We don't want to make nuanced bargains with God and ourselves: I had a good week and I did not stare at any girls, so if I do it this weekend, it'll be ok. I had a tough week and pornography relaxes me...I need a break! I think we have to remember that while God is full of grace and mercy and understands our weaknesses, his standard for conduct is very high. He doesn't keep score: Well, Bill had six 'good' days this week and one 'bad' one, so overall, he's doing well. If God kept score and we did not have the covering of Jesus Christ, one sin would put us as far away from God as 100 sins. We don't want God keeping score! And while he loves us and Christ has died for our past, present, and future sins, we should not deliberately sin and grieve the Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:29-32). We are new men in Christ and we need to act like it. When we know right from wrong and choose disobedience we grieve the God who created us, sustains us, and saves us. Why would we willing do this?

Remember King Josiah who did not grieve the heart of God, but was obedient to Him:

Josiah removed all the detestable idols from all the territory belonging to the Israelites, and he had all who were present in Israel serve the Lord their God. As long as he lived, they did not fail to follow the Lord, the God of their fathers. (2 Corinthians 34:29-33)

May we pursue the same in our lives.

Mixing Standards

In this fourth chapter of the Everyman's Battle book, Arterman and Stoeker primarily consider how marriage affects men's tendency towards sexual immorality. They rightly state that marriage is "no sexual nirvana"; that is, most young, single men think that their sexual sins will evaporate once the outlet afforded to them through marriage is available. But the fact is, women typically don't have the same sex drive as men and the notion that a married man "can have sex whenever he wants" is unrealistic. For a husband to have sex whenever he wants with his wife would mean that he is not loving her as he should: he wouldn't be considering her ways of realizing intimacy; even if she was always "willing" the act would become more of a duty and obligation than an expression of love for her; and, essentially, the husband would be acting like a jerk.

In addition, as was mentioned previously, we all bring stuff into our marriages. If sexual immorality has been a habit in your life, then it probably won't disappear on your wedding night. Pornography is particularly damaging as it sets up expectations in your mind about sex and women that your wife can never live up to...nor should she. Pornography is fantasy...marriage is real. If you are still holding onto fantasies in your marriage, marriage won't be "sexual nirvana" for you. That's why - as the author's rightly argue - you have to deal with those sexual sins while you are single because marriage won't address your fantasies. Your fantasies will only be frustrated and that will put distance between you and your wife.

But, while the authors don't discuss this (yet), we have to remember one of the primary reasons for marriage: to provide a hedge against sexual immorality: "Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: 'It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband" (1 Corinthians 7: 1-3). The apostle Paul acknowledges the power of sexual desire and that marriage serves as a means to ameliorate and channel that desire within the confines of a God-ordained relationship. While a husband is responsible for his own sin, a wife is his partner to lessen temptation to sexual immorality. In other words, marriage is not "sexual nirvana" but it can serve as a sexual safety valve.

However, it is important to be reminded - as the authors do - that our sin is our own. Regardless of our desires and temptations, we need to pursue sexual - not by our own strength - but through dependence on Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit.

Addiction? Or Something Else?

In the third chapter of their book, Arterburn and Stoeker explore the difference between normal sexual desire in men and addition. They provide a couple of multi-step questionnaires to help a man figure out where he may be on addiction scale. From my perspective, I think our culture throws around that word "addition" a bit too much. I would prefer to look at "addictions" as excessive desires. In regards to this topic, we have to determine the extent of our desire for sex, intimacy, sexual images, etc. and determine how much that desire iscontrolling our lives and, as Christians, capturing our hearts and replacing God with these other things. In this blog we have talked often about idolatry; instead of using the word "addiction" to describe an excessive desire for sex, we can use "idolatry." And in this case, the questions we have to ask ourselves are, "To what extent am I willing to satisfy my sexual desires? Am I willing to sin to gratify myself? In those moments of desire, am I relying on God's word for guidance, or something else?"

When we look at sexual desire in this light, then we realize that - as men - we all have a problem. We're all on a continuum: some struggle with it more, some struggle with it less. We don't have to attach dichotomous labels of "ok" or "addict." We all have desires that we need to tame and we don't have to get to the "addict" level to start addressing them in a righteous manner.

How do we address this problem? There are a number of ways, but in this book, Arterburn and Stoeker offer training ones eyes and mind to behave: "I needed to align my eyes and mind with Scripture and to avoid every hint of sexual immorality." They cover this later in the book.

Paying the Price

In the second chapter of Everyman's Battle, Fred Stoeker recalls his journey of putting aside explicit bad sexual behavior, becoming a Christian, getting married, and appearing to have resolved his sexual integrity problem. But there was still a problem:

By worldly standards, I was doing great. Just one little problem. By God's standard of sexual purity, I wasn't even close to living His vision for marriage. Clearly I'd taken steps toward purity, but I was learning that God's standards were higher than I'd ever imagined and that my Father had higher hopes for me than I had dreamed.

Fred goes on to describe that because of his on-going "hidden" sin, his prayer life was "feeble," his commitment to his wife was not 100%, and his church life was tepid. Fred concludes: "I finally made the connection between my sexual immorality and my distance from God. I was paying hefty fines in every area of my life. Having eliminated the visible adulteries and pornography, I looked pure on the outside to everyone else. But to God, I'd stopped short."

As believers, God wants more for us than mediocrity toward holiness. But this journey is not easy. Eliminating the external temptations and related outward behaviors is good, but God cares most about the heart. And we can't hide the dispositions of our hearts from Him. God wants to free men from slavery to sin, including sexual slavery. And because He loves us, He will do what it takes to change us more and more into the image of His Son.

Often, that process is difficult and painful, but the outcomes are a growing sense of peace, freedom, and contentment.

Our Stories

The Everyman's Battle book opens with a couple of stories from the authors on how they knew they were struggling with sexual temptation.

Steve Arterburn tells the story about how he got into a car accident because he was watching a girl jogging...she was 200 hundred yards away! (But we all know that we can see that stuff from quite the distance.) The worst part was that he had to tell his wife about it. Like most of us, he made up a story. When we get wrapped up in sexual sin, our instinct is to cover it up...lie. Steve admits: "Actually, my young marriage was hurt - because I was cheating Sandy [his wife] out of my full devotion, though I didn't know it at the time. Nor was I aware that although I'd vowed to commit my life to Sandy, I hadn't totally committed my eyes to her. I continued in the darkness for another ten years before realizing I needed to make dramatic changes in the way I looked at women."

Fred Stoeker shares how he looked at pornography, had a penchant for sexual jokes, and had roving eyes; as he describes them: "[My eyes] were ravenous heat-seekers searching the horizon, locking on any target with sensual heat. Young mothers leaning over in shorts to pull children out of car seats. Soloist with silky shirts...."

Fred also connects his lust to his relationship with his father. He makes a connection between his sinful behavior and his perception that he was not worthy in his father's eyes. Interesting. Of course, our relationships affect us, especially close ones. But are the things that people do to us ultimately the causes of our behavior? Something to think about.

They both admit that God has delivered them. They end the chapter with this: "If there's even a hint of sexual immorality in your life, He will work with you as well."

Sexual Integrity

Many years ago, I read Everyman's Battle: Every Man's Guide to Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. The book discusses the need for sexual integrity among men. Since it's been almost 20 years, I'm reviewing it again. This is a struggle many (if not all) men face; reading the book will be a good reminder for me and may help others reading this blog.

"After midnight," sexual temptation can be particularly strong. Hopefully, going through this book will help a bit with that temptation.

Each post, I'll briefly post questions and/or make comments on each chapter. We can walk though this book together.

"But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity" (Ephesians 5:3).

The Love of God

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Liberty from Depravity

This is another excerpt from Douglas Bond's book, Hold Fast in a Broken World. He offers a unique warning to Reformed Christians who may push the boundaries of liberty.

Because of our emphasis on the cultural mandate and our understanding that all of life is sacred, Reformed Christians are more prone to the danger of perverting liberty. Many conclude that we're free to indulge.

Consequently, while engaging and redeeming culture, we often fail to watch our backs, not reckoning with the spell that the world's culture can have on us. Intellectual arrogance completes the cycle by making us certain that it won't happen to us. Armed more with ethical invincibility, alas, than with caution at our total depravity, we go questing for the world's spiritual longings in pop culture's music, movies, and fashion, all too confident that we won't be corrupted in the quest....

Without self-denial and biblical zeal for precise holiness, without which no generation will see the Lord, Christian liberty simply devolves into license to live a worldly life and presume on grace. "Do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature" (Gal. 5:13). First century Christians were prone to this. So are we.

What do you think? Do we tend to allow too many things into our lives thinking we are safe from contamination? Are we too open to all kinds of music? Do we tend to indulge in drinking too much? Are any Hollywood movies off limits to us? Should they? Something to think about.

Isaiah 40: 28-31

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.