Mixing Standards

In this fourth chapter of the Everyman's Battle book, Arterman and Stoeker primarily consider how marriage affects men's tendency towards sexual immorality. They rightly state that marriage is "no sexual nirvana"; that is, most young, single men think that their sexual sins will evaporate once the outlet afforded to them through marriage is available. But the fact is, women typically don't have the same sex drive as men and the notion that a married man "can have sex whenever he wants" is unrealistic. For a husband to have sex whenever he wants with his wife would mean that he is not loving her as he should: he wouldn't be considering her ways of realizing intimacy; even if she was always "willing" the act would become more of a duty and obligation than an expression of love for her; and, essentially, the husband would be acting like a jerk.

In addition, as was mentioned previously, we all bring stuff into our marriages. If sexual immorality has been a habit in your life, then it probably won't disappear on your wedding night. Pornography is particularly damaging as it sets up expectations in your mind about sex and women that your wife can never live up to...nor should she. Pornography is fantasy...marriage is real. If you are still holding onto fantasies in your marriage, marriage won't be "sexual nirvana" for you. That's why - as the author's rightly argue - you have to deal with those sexual sins while you are single because marriage won't address your fantasies. Your fantasies will only be frustrated and that will put distance between you and your wife.

But, while the authors don't discuss this (yet), we have to remember one of the primary reasons for marriage: to provide a hedge against sexual immorality: "Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: 'It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband" (1 Corinthians 7: 1-3). The apostle Paul acknowledges the power of sexual desire and that marriage serves as a means to ameliorate and channel that desire within the confines of a God-ordained relationship. While a husband is responsible for his own sin, a wife is his partner to lessen temptation to sexual immorality. In other words, marriage is not "sexual nirvana" but it can serve as a sexual safety valve.

However, it is important to be reminded - as the authors do - that our sin is our own. Regardless of our desires and temptations, we need to pursue sexual - not by our own strength - but through dependence on Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit.